I'm always thankful

Somewhere inside I have a small velveteen pouch tucked away. It's tightly bound with sparkly ribbon, because sparkles make everything better, except vampires. In that pouch are the small warm pieces of everything I'm thankful for. All my small happy moments from the universe, all the pieces of my puzzle, people I've met on my journey through life that have helped to shape who I am and make me feel whole.
Even when I'm pissed at the world and frustrated and overwhelmed(because that happens SO rarely) I have my soft comforting pouch with me, keeping me centered and grounded. Sometimes it seems like such a thin, tenuous connection to the world, but though I have often gotten right up to the edge of abandoning hope entirely and giving up, that small bag of gratitude provides just enough anchor to keep me here, teetering between despair and survival.
Looking back I'm often amazed that I've survived myself for so long. Especially the last year. All of you have supported and lifted me and I have no way to adequately express my gratitude. Short emailed notes, unexpected cards, prayers, and unbelievably thoughtful gestures of love were gifted to me and my family, and I will never be able to send back into the world what I have received.
So thank you. Thank you for being part of my life and showing me the love and joy all around me. Thank you for being that tiny sliver of light at the end of a long dark tunnel, the hope that gives me strength and keeps me crawling forward. I am thankful today, as I am always. Even when I forget, the firm comforting weight of my gratitude carries me forward...I love you all

Mo's gift guide for geek girls who are named Mo

Just some things I'm diggin on:

Grassy Lawn Charging Station
Bluetooth Retro Handset
Super awesome Ultimate Geek Pen
LED Umbrella. Oh My Awesomeness.
Spy Coins. Too small to be really useful, but still Awesome!
Killer Rabbit slippers
X-Ray Bag. Do I really have to explain why it's funny?
Miracle Berry Tablet. I've heard these are pretty cool.
Pretty much any of these shirts. Except the maternity one, because I am SO never doing that again
Giant Gummy Bear, pineapple please
Niftiest necklace ever

This is my bubble, this is MY bubble!

Personal space=kind of a big deal for me. I hate having people near me and touching me and heaven forbid somebody tries to freakin hug me. I freeze and tense up and it's all very ugly. It's like there's an electric field that activates when someone gets too close and it makes my skin crawl and my nerves stand on end. I will actually flinch when people get close to me, though I think I do a decent job at covering it up in most situations. It's especially bad if I'm not feeling well, when I'm tired or frustrated or sick.
The job has helped with that a bit since we work in close quarters and you just have to learn to deal at some point. Even I can admit that there are occasions, though they are rare, when leaning on the shoulder of a friend is a welcome relief. So I'm getting better I think, a little at a time.
Today there was a bit of a discussion at work about my bubble. I'm pretty clear about my space and when people are invading it, and once in a while people like to razz me about it. So someone brought up my kids and commented that surely I must be loving and cuddly with them, being a mom and all....*crickets chirping*...
Yeah, not so much. Well, I am, but it's a struggle for me. If you spend any amount of time in our house you'll hear me growl for space several times as my monkeys attempt to scramble all over me. It's no help that Thing 1 is a grabber and a hugger. I do my best to give them cuddle time everyday because that's what my kids deserve, but it's hard. Curious George even raised an eyebrow when I mentioned the comment about the kiddos, so obviously I'm not very good at disguising how uncomfortable I am, but at least I try and that's something yeah?
So if I ever allow you in my bubble then I hope you realize what that means. It's my emotionally squeamish way of saying I like you. And if I were to INVITE you in my space, well then, you must really be something special...

Music is what feelings sound like

Today I listened to actual music on the way to work instead of sports talk radio. Heard a song I really like the lyrics to and it made me think of some of the people I love. So I'm sharing it and if you get something from it then you're probably one of those people:



Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
And I'll pick you up the next time you crash

Why am I upset right now?

Gee, it's almost like I busted my ass for 2 hours mixing up cake batter, put it in the oven, set the timer and went to lay down...Only to awaken to a headache, kids screaming through the house, my husband asleep on the couch, and the smell of BURNT CAKE wafting through the air. Why on earth would I be upset?

I am very unhappy right now

The roads were bare and dry when I left the house this morning.
Bare and dry.
I even used cruise control on the way here they were so clear. Then the snow started. I'm staring out the window at workand watching it fall and every flake that hits the ground depresses the hell out of me.
All I can think of is how totally miserable I was last winter with Curious George in Iraq and me doing everything on my own. I remember being outside at midnight shoveling in the falling snow and bawling my eyes out. I remember spending hours outside shoveling only to come inside and find that the kids had completely destroyed the house while I was breaking my back clearing the drive. I remember people offering to come help me shovel and then not ever showing up. I remember doing all the holiday prep and the cheer and the happiness for the kids all by myself and how hard it was and I am just SO not into it this year.
SO not into it...

Okay, it can't just be me

Yes, 3 posts in one day. It's almost like old Mo is back. It's been a long day, deal with it...
Anyways, I can't be the only SPD parent with a chewer. Thing 1 was a major chewer in previous years but it seemed to have eased off a bit since he started OT. It's back. I'm ready to scream every time I see another mangled shirt collar or sleeve. Anything he has in his hands he starts to absentmindedly gnaw. He even chewed and sucked on his arm until he left marks today, then he couldn't remember how the marks got there. He claims it helps him concentrate and calm down, and I know that's true, but why can't he find some OTHER stimulation that's less destructive?! Or at least utilize the chewies we spent money on specifically for that purpose?!
Just...*sigh*...frustration. I'm throwing it out there and sharing it with you. Thoughts?

Today I feel like crapfulcrap

Extra Mo loves to the first person who knows where crapfulcrap comes from (Curious George, you are exempt).
Ugh. went to bed with a headache, woke up to a screaming baby in the middle of the night, got up at the butt crack of dawn and still had that darn headache. I swallowed a couple Excedrin Migraine, which helped the headache noticeably but left me with a queasy stomach from too much caffeine(who knew there was such a thing?). Stomach started to feel better and the headache came back, accompanied by a slight earache and the feeling that someone had jabbed me in the kidney, repeatedly. Tossed down a couple extra strength Tylenol. Headache once again began to fade but then my stomach started hurting. It hurt bad enough to make me sweat, but not bad enough to make me cry, I hate when it gets stuck in the middle that way. Either go away or send me to the hospital, ya know?
So I'm exhausted and falling apart and to top it all off it's freakin half days at school and I have to occupy the attention of all 3 kids for the rest of the day.
Conference for Thing 1 is on Monday and I am NOT looking forward to that because there are some serious issues that need to be discussed with the teacher and I don't get the feeling that she's quite on board with his, er, quirks. OT was a disaster this week and his therapist said that she's got concerns about his vision and his ability to process information. The suggestion that he might be dyslexic came up. Great, a dyslexic Aspergers kid, no hurdles to clear there. It's not like he deals poorly with frustration or anything...
But there are tiny shards of love from the Universe. Some things aren't as bad as they seem when I've had too much free time on my hands to think about them. We got an extra movie from Netflix this week. Butter is on sale right as baking season starts. And the opportunity has arisen for some extra hours at work, which should pull us through the holidays nicely. So while my head currently feels like my brain is trying to make a forceful escape through the back of my skull, I suppose it isn't ALL bad...

Mo FTW

So I'm at work and I just found out there's a bake off on Monday. Thankfully I have an incredibly awesome triple lemon layer cake recipe that I got killer reviews on the last time I made it. It took about 4 hours last time but now that I've made it once I think it'll take me less time to do it again.
Why would I put all that work in? The prize is a day off with pay. Oh yeah, I'm fixin to bake a kick ass cake people!

My train of thought jumped the tracks

Have you ever had a thought that just repeatedly worms its way into your brain? Like, a worry or an idea or a really long joke with a slightly obscure punchline... Anyhow, you just want it to go away but it keeps popping up at unexpected moments and distracting you. And it kind of brings you down and you have to tell yourself (perhaps out loud but I'm not copping to anything) to just knock it off and focus on the task at hand because there's nothing to be done about that thought and if you let it grab hold you won't accomplish anything else for the rest of your day/lifetime.
Anyone? No? Just me?
How long does it take to move past something? I know that sounds all cryptic and there are all sorts of situations this could apply to, but I'm just putting this out there because, well, I feel like I'm unintentionally carrying a worry around with me and I'm really trying to be positive here but it just isn't working out so well because it's a VERY forceful thought and it sort of muscles its way to the forefront of my mind when I'm not paying attention. And then I'm actively trying to avoid the thought, which makes it all the more apparent and then I get to trying to "fix" things in my mind and then all mental and emotional hell breaks loose.
Eventually things go away right? Like, they sort of fade away as time passes? Sometimes things don't come to a neat resolved ending but life moves forward and you adjust and deal, right? I mean, you can only wait for the other shoe to drop and wince for a smack that never comes for so long before you get tired and stop waiting.
I just want to set out to have a good day and actually get through the day without getting clotheslined by bad ideas and worry. Though bad ideas and worry are kinda part of my modus operandi...

You get what you deserve

So Curious George and I were talking a bit today, as we are wont to do from time to time, and we got onto the subject of this here bloggy type thing. He mentioned he'd read my last post and I was like "yeah? *pause* Well was there something you wanted to talk about in it?" He responded in the negative and then we started talking about how I feel about him reading it.
I'm okay with it really. I mean, I can't say I don't censor myself, because there are things I won't write about, but it's not just because he reads it. My sister in law has stumbled across this as well, and I have a few real life friends who read, and there are some things I'm just not ready to discuss with them. Or anyone for that matter. Those things I save as drafts or just tuck away inside my brain until I'm ready to deal with them. But this place exists as my sounding board and as we all know I have no issue with laying it all out there, especially when I'm torqued off. I tend to write first and think later, which is slightly better, I suppose, than talking first and thinking later. And if you know me or have been reading for any amount of time then you already know these things and shouldn't be surprised if I share entirely too much information or use the word jackass. So I mulled that over for a bit and let Curious know how I see it...
"If you choose to read it, you deserve whatever you get!"
How's THAT for short and sweet?!